I am a mess. Recently I there have been some challenges that initially reinforced my negative labels – unworthy, unlovable, loser, idiot – I’m sure you get the idea. There are so many this blog would never be completed. I was spiraling down to a low place reinforcing the labels that satan was happy to hear me saying to myself. This scripture kept coming to mind as I read Limitless life and marinated on what Derwin shares about his career ending injury and how God turned that around for His purpose and plan.
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful and will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted will also provide a way out so you can stand up under it. 1 Corinthians 10:13.
My role at work has changed. I was the primary charge nurse in a very busy recovery room. But no longer. What satan meant for bad has …been good for me. My hours are more routine. I actually get to take care of patients – which is the most fulfilling part of my life outside of being a mom to Josh & Emma. I am returning to complete my Bachelors degree in the fall.
The majority of my life the things I say to myself, my self talk, have been mostly negative – labels that I put on myself and reinforce all day long over and over. I beat myself up and wore myself out. I will not repeat them any longer. Anytime I say something to my self I now finish my thought with ‘in Jesus name’. If it is a lie then what I am saying doesn’t make sense…so its a lie satan wants me to repeat to myself over and over to tear down my faith and keep me from believing what God has said about me. This prodigal has returned to her Father and he has embraced me and put his cloak around my shoulders…He has prepared a feast celebrating my return to him. Praise your name Jesus!
I have been in a valley for a long time. I don’t think there have been any sheep there. I haven’t been able to see beyond myself, my worries, mental and physical pain. I have not been able to see beyond circumstances. I have stressed people who love me and people who don’t. I have not slept well. I have struggled to stay in the life giving Word of God. Paralyzed in my situation, not moving in any direction just panicking like a person in deep water not knowing how to swim I have grabbed for anything around me to prevent me from sinking. But I did sink into anger.
Still able to work with patients, I was not treating my peers well. And then God opened a door for change. That door looked like a bottomless pit at the time. On that Friday, I was called out and made to be accountable for my attitude at work and I had a weekend to think through some options to improve the situation. I was reassured that my care to patients was not in question but I was not being nice to the people I work with and that I appeared to be overwhelmed with stress. I was afraid of losing the only thing that seemed to give me purpose, work. My heart sank to one of the lowest places it could go – afraid, alone, worthless & crazy labels reinforced again. Angry tears flowed and my thoughts ran rampant. There was a George Bailey moment here – my kids, family, friends, work and just the entire world would be a better place if I could just disappear. I sulked and fussed at God till I was empty. And then I sat still and God began to speak. Like waves echoing & rolling up on the beach God reminded me I was not alone. I was made for a purpose. He has a plan and a future for me. He loves me. He loves me. He LOVES me with an everlasting perfect love – not like people on earth but for eternity. So I sat in my valley and let Gods waves of love and truth work.
Here I am several weeks later. That weekend went from yelling at God to seeking Him.God is faithful. He does not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able to bear…He provides a way of escape! My role at work has changed. I get to have routine hours four days a week. I am grateful for less responsibility. I am going back to school in the fall to finish my Bachelors. I have wise counsel and I know God loves me. I know He has labeled me Courageous and Free and life in Him is Limitless!