Fear to be me

 

I have lots of dents. My clothes aren’t in fashion. I don’t know really how to apply makeup or understand current trends. But God is at work and I have peace with who I am.

Fears have tormented me for most of my life and some I am working on in this moment. Growing up there were many things said and seen that effected how I perceived myself and if I was normal and accepted. One overheard comment from a classmates parent in 1st grade. Blaming myself for my parents divorce. Taunted by classmates for crying if someone looked at me. Not being included & invited to parties like the rest of the class. Being the stinky kid whose mom smoked.

Layers of instances and comments left me questioning am I good enough. Questioning my value to my community and even to my family. Self doubt, lack of confidence and fear of rejection….

Growing up my actions and words were consistent with my thoughts that I wasn’t acceptable and things that unpleasant things happened were my fault. I thought if I was good enough and showed my value I wouldn’t be rejected I would be accepted.

I spent the majority of my life attempting to prove my value to others and living out “I’ll show you” – please look at me “I’m important”. Please someone just love me right now unconditionally.

My aggressive personality and need to prove my value pushed others away in the same way my thoughts paralyzed me. But somehow I functioned in life and God brought people into my life to enlighten my heart and draw me to Him.

This week I have been thinking about fears in my life and how those fears currently affect my relationships with friends, family, coworkers, my community and with God. I maintain boundaries of safety for me with people because I fear rejection and ridicule. God has been working in me, before me and around me. God has brought comfort to me through several verses:

Don’t panic. I am with you. There is no need to fear. I am your God. I will give you strength. I’ll help you. I’ll hold you steady and

keep a firm grip on you. Isaiah 41:10 The Message

 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will

direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

 

Haven’t I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don’t be timid! Don’t be discouraged! God, your God is with you every step you

take. Joshua 1:9 The Message

Right now – this very moment – I am loved. I am accepted. Unconditionally. God is with me. He loves me despite the fact that I have dents and my clothing isn’t in style,  & with or without make up. He doesn’t look at the scale when he loves me. I am His beloved and I am okay.

 

 

 

 

 

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6 thoughts on “Fear to be me

  1. Sue Molitor

    Amen and amen!! You are more than ok, you are precious and beloved daughter of the King of Kings. I could relate to you on so many levels from your childhood and struggled with fear of rejection much of my life as a result. It is in realizing how loved we are by the Creator of all the Universe that sets us free to be. Thank you so much for being open and transparent and sharing your heart. Much love to you sweet sister! Keep moving forward in Him!! He has great plans for you! Love, Sue

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  2. nubcube

    I share the same fear. I used to boast how God made me free to be myself, and people cheered and hugged me for my powerful stance and countenance of joy. I saturated myself with the word and grew and really chose joy everyday and when the enemy came, I fought hard. This year has just been a time of me returning back to my first position as joy warrior!! And to be free to be me-When I allow God to be who He is and who He says He is, then (as Laura Story says) I can just be me. 🙂
    Great testimony!!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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